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changing hearts

I'm living in a different city far from our home since i graduated high school, and after four years of study i have already had my degree. It was great right? as some of my former classmates in high school have gone to their own lives. but still i continue to communicate with them, but less with each passing year. I've met some unforgettable people at college and learned from them that life wasn't that great when you "grow up". until i went home for the yuletide season, that, i must say is life changing.

As my life became more centered for building my future i forgot the different things that are important in life. And that is constant communication. When i got home, i saw my high school friends carrying their child or children through grocery stores, or having a stroll around the beach or having dinner in some restaurants, they were happy. But adapting the city girl character, i began to wonder what has become of them that they chose not to pursue their dreams but instead became homey. Because Ive been fully aware about their dreams as they are to mine(well 5 years ago). I kept this to myself. Time really changes everything, i still can remember them saying to me before what they are planning through life.

I've known of the different opportunities that life has to offer, and even have a glimpse of what would be 10 years after if we just struggle and survive to fight for what we want. But i guess, understanding them is much easier now than proving my point.

I guess being able to live in an environment on which there is a wide selection of careers, leisure, opportunities affect a persons understanding of life.

thats so cuutee! im envious

I just viewed some of the bloggers here and my oh my! they have kids. an beautiful kids at that! I just cant help but envy them.
Brought back the memories of my lost baby, i had a miscarriage, the doctors said that it just happen that some time or unfortunately babies stopped growing. Stillbirth is not an uncommon issue nowadays they said. It just happens without reason. My partner and I was so devastated for we are very excited about my pregnancy, on my 2nd month i bought some things for my baby choosing green and yellow colors for the babys gender is not yet ready to be known for that month.
Well, sad things happen. And we're now on our way to recovery but the fear of having another child is there. We named him John Calvin, And ive written 2 letters to God before we knew what had occured to our baby, thanking Him for giving an advance gift for christmas, And 2 or 3 letters after we knew about the incident. A letter for my child. And a letter again to God. Questions are still at present and praying and asking God to watch our baby for us and asking Him to tell John calvin that we love him and he will always be remembered as i will continue to look at his fathers eyes and smiles; he will always be with us.
The grief is eased even a little when i knew that i am not alone, that still birth also happens to some but still continues to believe.

I would be posting my letters here on my blog. soon.

Get your potbellied pig to mate

Theres no perfect man

We decided living, and after what had happened living seems to be the only option and that was hard. Well, as of this moment i wont be talking about living, for there's no much to tell about life after we lost our child. Yeah, we decided living and first step is to see the bright side. What i've learned from that experience has changed my views towards people and towards life and towards my faith.

Ive questioned or asked God but still I never hated him.
And it was the time that ive thought things.

Since childhood, I learned to appreciate love stories, Ive learned and dreamt of my dream wedding, the man of my dreams, my dream family but first ive to find my perfect man. I have so many criterias or standards, but again, some in my list wasn't there. In my PERFECT MAN list was, 1. tall 2. sports minded 3. good sense of humor 4. has a great job 5. good looking 6. neat 7. can carry conversations 8. can get along with my friends 9. whos not demanding 10.. and a lot more. Imagine.. i got a lot more! Girls has this imprinted on their minds, or some girls does and im one of them

And again, i realized that none too much of that list is needed in order for you to find your perfect man.It didn't reach 6 or 7 to find him. I found him the day i was laying in the ultrasound room holding my hand so tight when the doctor tells us that we lost our child. I found him, controlling his tears when im powerless of mine. I found him standing amidst our weakest moment, I found him comforting me when I knew he needs comforting too. With all that imperfections, I found him. Staring at me and holding on when i saw no reason to continue what we had. He might boss around, demands or werent that extra sweet but he made me fall inlove with him again.

So what we need is not a list, we need is we should be ready to take risks and chances to what we think is hopeless, a reason is always behind in every dream.We must not try to change a man for what he is not, so that they can fit in our every standard, i could say that let him be the man who he wanted to be and grow with him.


A hand kids past a misplaced believer.

which is which

I'm on my way of recovery and, needless to say it was hard. But then as my weakness get the whole of me, i still believed on something that is all i can think is there. And that is my faith in God,i felt that during those times something structured and solid is through Him and with Him. There could never be a perfect relationship even between families, politics and even nations, lets accept that, that's why im beginning to doubt those books and even theories on How to make a relationship work or perfect in that matter. And as i begin to insert this thought in a conversation people then again questions so i just smiled and then again change the topic. i would again then assume that there optimists, pessimists, and even realists in terms of relationships. These might be people who still continues to believe that love conquers all, i say it wont. During sometime in a relationship there would be trials and the only thing that might make you hold on is not love but loyalty or connection or belief that all problems would be answered. But then again a question would be raised. What is love? and how far is a person willing to go to when in love???

The optimists are those never been, the pessimists are those who has been and the realists are those who are still weighing what to be a pessimist or an optimist; so the realists are the intermidiate.

So i would have to ask which of the three sides are you now?